Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Reverse Racism

Reverse Racism by Thien-bao Thuc Phi

-I'm gonna take every white man from his job and force him to construct light rail transit systems for 50 cents an hour. When they're done I'll make sure they are moved to a special little section of town that we'll call Whiteyville, where tourists can some to shop for curious and eat exotic hot dish meals. When the American mainstream tongue gets a taste for hot dish, I'm going to open my own fusion hot dish restaurants where I combine hot dish with Asian recipes, and charge people ten times what the food is worth. All the waiters and waitresses will be forced to wear traditional Scandinavian garb.
-I'm going to run for office, promising equality for white men, then when I get elected I'm going to pass laws that forbid white guys from marrying Asian women. Then I'm going to hit on every single white woman I see and spread rumors about how white guys got small dicks and how white guys are no good for women because they come from such a male dominated society.
-I'm going to teach nothing but Asian American history in every classroom, and when little Morty Crackerman raises his hand and asks teacher, . teacher, we don't study any white people, I will have him branded as a troublemaker and suspend him from school for 3 days. Then I will feel a little guilty about it and declare National Whitey Appreciation Week, we'll study the contributions of Kip Winger and Harold Bloom while eating hamburgers and listening to Smashmouth. We will watch the Honkeytown Crackers play against the Whiteyville Honkies, and in the bleachers we'll do the Wave and the "white men can't dance" dance.
-When white men complain, I'll sigh deeply and say, "Hey, things are better for you now. You should have tried being around twenty years ago, before me and some other good Asians marched with you white people for your rights. Don't blame me for racism, that stuff happened a long time ago, and anyway, I can't be racist! My girlfriend is white and so are some of my best friends and servants!" Every time a white man fucks up, I'll just shake my head sorrowfully and say, "See?" Then I'll declare that there are too many white men in America, and restrict immigration for white men. The only white men allowed into this country will be the most highly educated white men from Europe: I mean, hey, we need someone to work behind the counter at the gas stations for minimum wage, and who else is gonna drive taxis or run 24 hour grocery stores in the hood?
-I'm gonna build garbage dumps in white neighborhoods and make sure there's a lot of lead in their water supply. When the power cuts out in the city, it'll be at least three days till it gets back on for white people cuz they're gonna fix the power lines in Asian hoods first.
-When white men become successful, I'll beat them down in the street and make sure my Asian friends in the news don't report on it, and if it goes to trial I'll make sure the all Asian jury and Asian judge pardons me. Then, after all this hard (yet satisfying) work exploiting and oppressing and mindfucking whitey, I'm going on vacation to Europe, with a big ass backpack, smoking French cigarettes, I will not shave nor take a shower, complain about how dirty Europeans live, then go to those special clubs where white women pay to meet Asian American men. Maybe I'll even marry one of them and take them back with me, but maybe not, cuz I can only have so much luggage and I can always send for one by mail order later on. I will open branches of my fastfood chains and hotels-on European soil, and I'll grease the palms of shady white Europeans so they can keep an eye on things and if they fuck up: hey, it's their fault.
-Of course, this may lead to a war. Just to be safe, I'm gonna forcibly remove white American people from their homes because I feel they are a threat to national security. They can stay at the dog racing tracks until we are sure that they are good and loyal to this country. And we will take everything they ever owned. I will recruit white people to fight against other white people, promising that we'll take care of them if things go wrong, but if things go wrong and white people find their way into overcrowded planes and leaky boats to seek refuge in Asian America, I'll turn them away and say "Sorry! No room."
-During the war, I will drown my sorrows at dramatically lit bars in Europe. I will win a white prostitute from her evil white pimp in a game of cards. We will have sex, and she will fall in love with me. I will leave her, pregnant, in Europe. When I come back to visit her, she thrusts her baby into my arms, tells me that Asian America is a much better place for our bastard lovechild, and then she will kill herself. Tragic, but good drama. So good, in fact, that I turn
it into a Broadway musical and make a ton of money off of it. Asian actors will put on white makeup and act like white people. You know, I'd love to put real white people in the play, but they’re just not talented enough.
-When white men form their own groups to protect themselves, I'll accuse them of being separatists and reverse racists, and force them to let me into their groups. Then I'll cut their budgets because they're really not serving the majority of people. And when they crumple into a ball, when they raise their voices to speak, when they go insane from it all, that's when I'll pat
them on the back, and say, that's just the way it is. But we're all human. Don't hate me, don't be a reverse racist.